


Kings of the earthly Spirits

by ghost_king666



Category: Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Boarding School, Cigarettes, Confessions, First Kiss, Homophobic Language, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Canon, Post-Lord of the Flies, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religious Guilt, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23226238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghost_king666/pseuds/ghost_king666
Summary: Who are we? Are we who we want to be or are we just the sum of our sins.Ralph, starting life at a new school, still feels like he never left the island. Haunted by nightmare starting his old friends, and old foes. Thinking is all he seems to be able to do. Jack, on the other hand, wants to do anything but think. Being confronted with each other once again will lead them to finding the answer to this ever so mundane yet ever so engrossing question: who are we? Are we the sum of our sins or the sins of those we love?
Relationships: Jack Merridew/Ralph
Comments: 24
Kudos: 38





	1. Cry from the past

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: my English teacher told us our Lord of the Flies essay was supposed to be due today, but I'm choosing to say that I didn't check my e-mail while we're quarantined. Honestly this fanfic probably has more analysis and research put into it then any essay I've ever wrote. Anyway special thanks to my dear friend Bell for encouraging me to write this! Hope you enjoy^¬^

“We think your boy will fit in just fine here, Mr. Martin.”

A plump man sitting behind a desk was speaking to a man in a naval officer's jacket, who was seated next to a boy with fair hair, who kept shifting in his seat. The naval officer looked down at the boy—who happened to be his son. The fair-haired boy, on the other hand, was looking around the room; at the plump man’s numerous framed photos and the diplomas that painted the walls. The plump man gave his best practiced professional smile to the fair-haired boy, “Anything I can answer for you Ralph?”

Ralph turned to look at the man. He had many questions, most of which the plump man did not have the answers to. Why was his tie so tight? Why did his father think it to be a good idea to send him away to a new boarding school? And most of all, why did he go along with it? These were things Ralph kept inside. Instead, he simply shook his head and smiled a similarly forced smile at the plump man, though he didn’t have as many years of experience to make it seem convincing. “No sir.”

As the plump man exchanged more words with his father, Ralph got back to his introspection. Why was he here? In short, because his father thought a change of pace would be good for him. He thought being surrounded by kids his age all times of the day would help him get out of his shell and make some new friends. Sounds well enough for any teenage boy of his age. The thing is, Ralph has gone through one thing that made him unlike other boys his age. 

Images plagued Ralph's subconscious mind with his time on the island. He had spent 6 months away from the rest of the world as a war raged on. But it was anything but a vacation from the violence. 

He would be running through a jungle that was flooding with smoke and ash. He felt the heat of flames on his heel as he was followed by the forest fire. He would run till he found the beach, thinking he had escaped but the second he let down his guard, the fire jumped him. He heard the fire’s sickly, sweet voice chant, "Kill the pig! Cut his throat! Spill its blood!" He was encircled by child hunters with painted skin. on top of him was the boy with blood-stained red hair. he took his switchblade and parted flesh as though it was warm butter

His door flew open followed by his father running into Ralph's hysterical cries. "Ralph! Ralph! Calm down boy!" He shook the crying boy, who gripped his stomach, seemingly convinced he was bleeding out. 

"Stop!" The boy was nearly gagging on his own heavy breathing, about to vomit out his hysteria. 

"Relax, boy! You’re home!" To answer Ralph's second question, he went along with this boarding school idea mostly because he felt bad about burdening his father with his fits. It was rare for them to wake him yet Ralph knew the fear of one happening kept him up at night. It seemed his father rarely got sleep these days. The man had already lost his wife while he was deployed during the war, so watching his son drift away from reality would be too much for even a naval officer to handle. 

Ralph was thinking about these things while his father said goodbye to him. The man’s war stained gaze matched his son’s. It was the only thing the two seemed to have in common physically. A cold hug was the most affection either could show before they parted. It was enough for Ralph. He had learned it was better than nothing.

The fair boy continued to think as he meandered to his dorm room. Passing other boys who were talking about their new roommates or which girl’s breasts grew over holiday. Ralph was just excited to find a moment alone in his room. 

He was until he entered the room. Two beds. A suitcase laid mostly empty next to the bed to the far right of the room. Ralph ignored the thought of what he’d do when his roommate witnessed one of his night terrors for the time being. instead he flopped onto his bed that sprung back against him. Comfortable enough he supposed. He loosened his tie and looked to his ceiling. This was the thing he’d be looking at when he couldn’t fall asleep.

“Someone’s comfortable,” said a melancholic voice from the doorway. Ralph was relieved to hear he wasn’t the only one not terribly excited on this fine day. He looked up at his new roommate. He was a tall boy who seemed to be equally uncomfortable in a suit as he was. His dark hair was gelled back out of his milk-chocolate brown eyes. His jaw was pronounced (yet, he had full red cheeks) making him overall a solid six out of ten. Ralph returned to looking at the ceiling. 

“Just waiting till’ winter holiday,” Ralph remarked. 

The tall boy looked back at him. “You only just got here. I’ve never seen your face before, where are you from?” 

“Manchester. You?” 

“I’m Briton, born and raised,” the tall boy didn’t sound proud, but more content, “the name' Lucas.”

“Ralph,” Ralph’s first impression seemed to be pretty positive of his new roommate; though he knew that first impressions were not always accurate. 

“Well Ralph, you mustn’t be so relaxed. We best be getting to the assembly soon,”

“We have an assembly?” Ralph must have missed it in the midst of his thoughts. He needed to stop doing that.

“I best not need to remind you of things like this for the rest of the year, my little brother always made me do that,” Lucas remarked as he tied his shoe. “Monday morning assembly. Wednesday and Sunday mass. Dinner at six.”

Ralph sat up, “Noted,” he stretched his arms, “so what does this assembly entail exactly? If you know.”

“It’s the same every year. The principal welcomes us back. Tell us any important announcements. We pretend to care. The choir boys sing the school song. Then we get to leave.” Lucas rattled as he counted on his fingers. The mere mention of choir boys made Ralph feel uneasy. “Shall I show the way?”

“That would be appreciated.” Ralph gave him a half-smile.

The two left the dorm room building. The campus was full of people who were catching up after their breaks. He noticed a few girls glancing at him and smiling before turning back to their friends. He noticed how guys tried to impress these girls with their antics. Ralph kept his head forward. Along the way, Lucas pointed out places to Ralph. Ralph makes mental notes of the cafeteria. The two didn’t really talk much other than that, which Ralph could appreciate. 

They made their way into a rectangular building. Many people were already there. The room itself was a normal looking gymnasium with a stage on one side. That stage held the plump principal Ralph had met previously along with the number of other staff members. The floor was strewed with grey foldable chairs. On those chairs sat chatty teens. Ralph already wanted to leave. 

The pair took seats in the rough middle of the rest of the chairs. Lucus’s friends had found him. Ralph chose not to take much note of them.

It took about ten minutes for the assembly to begin. It started with the headmaster taking the podium at the front of the stage. He smiled at the crowd. “Hello and welcome back, students “ he started. Ralph mentally checked out.

He glanced around the room. He saw the backs of heads, male and female. The aura of the room was like a cloud of dullness. Ralph felt at ease knowing from his reading of the room that everyone was on the same page. He looked towards the front of the room to see hats and ruffled collars. The choir boys, he presumed. Ralph didn’t want to look for too long. Looking up towards the clock he saw that it had been twenty minutes since the beginning of this dreadful meeting. Though he supposed it was better than other meetings he’d been a part of.

“With that being said, may I now welcome our very talented choir to sing our school anthem. And may I invite everyone to stand.”

The student body stood on command as the choir strolled from their positions in the front row to take the stage. One by one till the very last boy. 

That was when Ralph’s heart stopped. No more than fifty feet away from him for the first time in years was the flame that haunted his nightmare: Jack Merridew.

Ralph’s mind became an incomprehensible mess of words and thoughts and questions that wouldn't disappear. The choir singing didn’t help drown the noise inside of Ralph’s head. It was like a swarm of bees buzzing in his ears, stinging his neurons into firing and making his mind swell.

Ralph’s eyes stayed fixed on the stage where the red-haired boy stood. As twelve voices turned to one, all the other boys stopped singing to give Jack the solo. His voice, sickly sweet, like fruit from a poison berry. Then—the unthinkable happens. They catch each other's eyes. Just for a second—a moment of recognition lights in Jack’s face. Ralph feels his stomach drop. 

“Where is the bathroom?” he asked Lucas.

“The doors on the other end of the gym. Why?” he answered. Ralph didn’t satisfy him with a response.

He practically ran. His abdomen turned as he entered the bathroom. He entered a stall and dropped to his knees and emptied his stomach.

He didn’t leave that stall until the assembly ended.

It was like sinking to the bottom of the sea; feeling the weight of the water on top of you. Feeling the air leave your lungs as you sink, not being able to struggle, even if you could move under thousands of tons of water. In that moment it was as though everything had stopped and the world was still under the deadly weight of the ocean. 

The moment Ralph’s eyes met Jack’s.

The fair-haired boy had lost himself in the weight of his thoughts as he stared at the ceiling of his new dorm room. Remembering how the light of the stage illuminated the face of the choir boy. How it made him look paler than he once remembered. Then again, all the boys were subjected to the menace of the sun without escape back on the island, so it could be summed that Ralph’s memory of Jack was darker than the boy in his supposed natural habitat. Everyone in that audience assumed they’d seen Jack Merridew. The way Ralph saw it, you haven't seen what someone is really like until you watch him, free from the chains of tight ties and spotlights when he shows it all the only thing hiding him is his war paint. That was the Jack Merridew not everyone survived after witnessing. 

“You alright, mate?” the voice of his concerned roommate entered the room and pulled Ralph from the murkiness of his mind.

“Fine. Must have been something I ate.” Ralph’s glanced to the door as Lucas entered the room. 

“Must have been some bad seafood. You still seem a tad pale. Might want to go to the nurse, mate?” Lucas inquired. Ralph wondered if he just wanted the room to himself. 

“I should be fine. Might just skip dinner and hit the sack early,” the fair-haired boy honestly didn't want to see anyone at the moment. To have the night to spend by himself in his sea of thoughts. To figure out his plan of action.

Lucas agreed and told Ralph he was going to head to dinner before leaving. Ralph returned to his state of thinking. Not wishing to sleep but unsure how long he could stay awake. Thus his eyes shut; with thought of Merridew leaving, only to return in his dreams.

In a nearly empty gymnasium was a red-haired choir boy. He was putting away foldable chairs from the assembly that just took place. His mind was in the pits of reopening old memories he wished to keep locked away. But was sure he had just seen an ever so familiar face. Fair blonde hair that seemed to still have the dirt of the island staining it. Not as bright as it was once before.

Jack remembered himself on the island. A young boy, the age of twelve. The only thingthings he wished for was to impress the tribe's leader. A boy close to him in age, though it seemed their similarities could make up for their differences. 

The two didn’t exactly have the same priorities. Of course, Jack wanted to go home, but he also wanted to live out his Coral Island fantasy and enjoy what the island had to offer. What the island had to offer: hunting, dance, and Ralph. 

Ralph, on the contrary, cared more for the practicality of things. Less for hunting and more for the fire, the conch, the rules. This Jack left back on the mainland. This had lead to Jack neglecting his duty to maintain the fire as a ship came by. Suffice to say, Ralph was the least bit pleased. The next time Jack was on duty of maintaining the fire was during a cold night, and to his delight, Ralph decided to chaperone him. 

Jack was definitely more talkative. Being alone with Ralph gave him an opportunity to recount him the tales of his hunts in detail. Ralph seemed to be content with that telling jokes as he threw sticks into the fire to make sure, “Merridew, you talk about hunting like you’re in love with it.” Ralph smiled down at Jack as he prodded the flame with a stick.

“Can’t nag me for having a hobby,” Ralph sat back next to the red-haired boy, “it’s like nothing else,”

“It’s reckless is what it is,” the fair-haired boy felt a light punch his arm. Jack giggled, “oh, don’t try to pretend I'm wrong,”

“It’s not the most reckless thing I've done,” Jack murmured, looking into eyes that looked like tree leaves with bark peeking through the cracks. 

“Oh I’m sure, care to share?” Ralph said in a tone that was almost challenging. It made Jack want to jump at the opportunity.. But thinking about it, he didn’t know what would impress the chief nearly enough to leave an impression. So, Jack chose instead to make a new reckless decision. 

He lurched forward as Ralph looked into the fire and planted a kiss on his cheek, remembering the impression it seemed to leave on boys when girls would do it on the playground. 

“How’s that?” Jack smiled ear to ear looking at Ralph’s face. But he didn’t get the reaction he expected. Instead, he got a chuckle.

“Please Jack, are we in daycare?” Ralph smirked. It sent a shiver down Jack's back. 

“What do you suppose we do th—” Jack’s words were cut off by something soft. The feeling of lips on his. His heart seemingly stopped as though trying to freeze the moment in time for as long as possible. He couldn't close his eyes. It seemed his recklessness had rubbed off on the chief. 

It was one of the last moments of innocence on the islands. 

Jack had finished putting away folding chairs and left the gymnasium. He turned to leave through the door, walking out into the wild. 

He remembered another locked away memory.

“I’m not going to play any longer. Not with you.” his voice was saying it to the group but his tone was directed at Ralph.“I’m not going to be a part of Ralph’s lot—I’m going off by myself. He can catch his own pigs. Anyone who wants to hunt when I do can come too.” 

Turn on his heels for the forest. To run away. Away when he felt he lost to the people he wished to earn the approval of. When he lost to Ralph.

“Jack!” Ralph’s voice echoed in his ears.

“No!” His voice breaks as tears fall down his freckled face. He wished Ralph would go after him. 

But he didn’t. And Jack ran away. 

The red-haired boy entered the chapel not fully understanding how he got there. Perhaps he subconsciously thought he had to repent for his sins. He already assumed he was bound for hell, it was worth a shot to repent. To hide his feelings for years. Listen to his pastors and take steps to ignore these thoughts. He dated girls. He enjoyed it. He locked away the kiss by the signal fire. Locked away the desire to see him again. To hunt him down and keep him for himself, act on his impulse like he could only when he was free from society. Free from knowing that being attracted to another boy was another thing to confirm he was made by the devil himself.

Jack sat in the pews looking at the stained glass mosaic. Praying to God he had the strength to resist his temptations.


	2. Alone in a group

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!PERIOD APPROPRIATE HOMOPHOBIC LANGUAGE!!!
> 
> Jack is emotionally constipated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amount of editing I've done to this chapter is more then I've done for any English essay. I've been thinking about Jack and Ralph's zodiac charts and here is what I came up with  
> Jack is a Gemini sun, Scorpio moon, and Leo rising  
> Ralph is a Capricorn sun, libra moon, and leo rising  
> Anyone else who's into astrology hit me up with your thoughts!  
> Fangz to BELK 4 helpng me wth da story!!!1!!!1

“I need a cigarette,” a dark boy muttered under his breath. Barely three hours since their last, and Roger and Jack craved the pull of nicotine. “Can you please use your Head Boy Charm to get us out of here?” Jack rolls his eyes before going up to the professor, asking to be excused. He smiled and nodded. Jack gestured to Roger to join. 

“How do you do that?”

“Be a decent kid and turn your assignment in on time?” Jack stated.

“Sounds complicated. I’ll let you handle that,” the joke was spoken with zero fluctuation in Roger’s tone.

Being known as a decent kid was strange to Jack. Rumors of him being one of the kids found on that island were commonplace. It was known he survived through a difficult situation, yet few knew the truth about what happened on that island. They knew three kids died, but few seemed to know that two were killed. It was swept under the rug as another wartime tragedy. For Jack, the only thing people focused on was how he led a separate faction on the island. They would say it was due to a ‘childish dispute’. Childish: yes, but ‘dispute’ seemed too tame a word. They would go on to say he was just a kid trying to survive best he could in traumatic times, but Jack knew that’s just what they said to paint him as a scared kid. The lawyer his father hired that is. They   
didn’t understand what really happened on that island.

One of the only people who did understand was Roger because Roger was there. He pulled the trigger on a boulder that pushed a kid off a cliff. How he didn’t seem to be as affected as the other survivors, beyond Jack, and Roger wasn’t one to talk about those times. So Jack didn’t ask. It’s not as though Jack wished to relive those time’s either. 

This leisurely stroll down the hall was rudely interrupted as they walked past a group of boys who seemed to also be ditching class. 

“Hey Merridew!” Something caught the back of Jack’s uniform jacket. “Going somewhere choir boy?”

Jack rolled his eyes. It wasn’t anything special for some group of boys to try to act tough by picking on him. He motioned for Roger to keep going. Roger didn’t question it. 

“What do you want, Bennet?” Jack turned around to face who he was up against. Charlie Bennet, Lucas Willson, and Marcus Vanput. Must be Thursday.

“Well, fairy boy, we were hoping you could sing us something,” Charlie mocked. The insults were nothing Jack hadn’t heard. Perhaps it was how the teachers favored him. Perhaps it’s because his uniform seemed to fit better. The reason didn't really matter. Kids would always find reasons to be cruel. Jack understood that in ways others didn’t.

“Why should I do that?” Jack backed up as Charlie got closer to him only to find that his path was blocked by his goons. 

“Cuz’ I know you want this,” his smarmy grin showed he was too confident in how endowed he was.

Jack couldn’t contain his laughter, “Oh please, don’t flatter yourself,” his laughter continued which angered his captors. He felt the back of his head hit the nearest set of lockers. 

“Want to choose your words more carefully, mate?” 

“My apologies. What I mean is I’d rather gag on a cactus then think about your little shrimp” was the last quip Jack could get in before he was tossed to the ground. The feeling of hard dress shoes holding him by his side made him let out a sound of distress. Unfortunately for him, there wasn't an administrator in sight. He couldn't even try to stand without getting kicked back down. His only choice was to sit and wait it out till they got bored. Something he got used to. Not being able to send his hunters to burn down a forest to hunt down those who’ve wronged him. 

“Hey!” came a voice from around the hallways, not one of an adult but a teen boy. The bullies turn to see a fair-haired boy walking down the hallway over to the scene, “Three against one isn’t a fair fight. I expected more from you, Lucas,” 

Charlie and Marcus turn to Lucas, who scoffed at the remark, “Stay out of it, Ralph.” 

“Why should I?” Ralph’s voice commanded challenge, even if he was the shortest boy in  
the altercation. 

“Fairy boy, looks like your boyfriend’s come to your rescue,” Marcus chimed in. 

Charlie chuckles, “Yeah, tell me, Ralph, tell me what you think you can do right now?” 

Ralph was not one for words when it came to guys like this. He wasn’t one for civilized conversation after his last attempt at one got a kid killed by a rampaging bolder. Instead, he threw the first punch, hitting Charlie square in the jaw. He heard an audible crack—from his knuckles or the other’s jaw—it was unsure.

Lucas and Marcus lift Jack to his feet. For the first time, Ralph catched a glimpse of who he’s saving. He almost regretted it, but he wasn’t going to back down. Jack, on the other hand, was mortified. This was his worst nightmare realized. He could handle being beaten up, but being seen as weak, especially in front of Ralph, made him want to to feel the wrath of a thousand jocks dress shoes breaking his ribs. He assumed this must have been a fraction of what God had planned for him.

It wasn’t a terribly unfair fight, if you ignore the fact Charlie clearly had more muscle mass then Ralph. One punch to the side off the head landed him on the ground. A second to the mouth left the ralph with the taste of coins. His state of mild disorientation caused him to barely realize he had been lifted and unceremoniously tossed inside of a janitorial closet. 

“You too fairy boy. Keep him good company,” Marcus and Lucas push Jack into the closet, wish notable more struggle and cures words exchanged. The door closed, followed by the sound of click, leaving two boys alone.

The speed at which Jack's heart raced was comparable to that of a man who was escaping a stampede. As though he was trapped in a cage with an angry tiger. As Ralph's head cleared He silently cursed himself for doing the right thing. Once Jack had thoroughly failed to open the door, a solid minute of banging on the door, and another minute of getting angry and pulling at his hair after he realized how trapped he was. Not the ideal reunion.

“Give it a rest, Merridew,” Ralph’s voice came out raspy and hoarse. The sound sent his hairs on end. Jack turned his attention away from the door and to the boy he was trapped with; styled gold strands made astray. His bottom lip had been gashed open, stained red.

“You’re bleeding,” the redhead stated what he saw, not knowing what else to say at the moment. 

“Oh really, I didn’t notice.” Venom seemed to seep from the fair-haired boy’s words. As Jack reached out to wipe away the blood that threatened to leap down from Ralphs chin, his hand was quickly swatted away, “don’t touch me!”

“I’m trying to save you from get blood out of your slacks,” 

“I didn’t ask you to,” 

“Neither did I, yet you just had to come to my rescue,”

“You were on the floor having the daylights being kicked out of you. Seemed like you needed it,”

“I could handle it just fine. Nothing I’m not used to,” Jacks statement filled Ralph with a sick sense of euphoria. 

“Wow, the great Jack Merridew, who led his tribe to hunt me down, reduced to nothing but a punching bag,” Ralph went in for the kill with that sentiment, hitting Jack where he knew it hurt. 

It was effective. Jack felt the weight of years of pent up resentment, “Who’s at fault do you think that is Ralph? Ralph mister perfect, Mister Chief, mister I had to spend years trying to forget only for you to come back into my life and try to save me,” 

“What are you talking about? You think you’re the only one who was left worse off after the island? I can’t sleep at night Jack because I keep thinking you’re out to get me!”

“Because you pushed me away Ralph!”

“You ran away! You said you didn’t want to play anymore!”

“And I still don’t! I don’t want to play Ralph's game. No more trying to impress you, no more remembering how you kissed me by the signal fire! Why did you need to come back into my life!” Jack felt a single tear trickle down his face. This admittedly sent Ralph back for a moment. He barely remembered that kiss. He didn’t know how he felt knowing Jack couldn't forget. Seeing the way Ralph’s face changed made Jack immediately regret the words leaving his head. He loathed the way Ralph’s anger seemed to diminish seeing his vulnerability. As the silence weighed on the redhead, he found he couldn’t bear to listen to the sound of his own mind.

“Say something. Call me sick. Call me filthy queer. Heaven knows I've heard it all before. Maybe hearing you say it will finally cement in my mind.” 

Yet the blonde-haired boy was stifled for words. He couldn’t help but stare at the nightmare that haunted him all these years. The way his tears glistened down his freckled skin. How his red mane was tossed ever so out of place. How this blue stained glass eyes cut into him practically begging for him to break the sound of silence that filled the room. “We were kids, Jack. It didn’t mean anything. We were just messing around.”

Somehow that hurt more than any slur Ralph could have thrown at him. Somehow everything Ralph said was true yet ever so wrong, “I know. I know that this is wrong and I've been trying to get better and I was getting better... but then I saw you as the assembly and I couldn’t get you out of my mind. And I don’t know why I’m telling you this…” The confession seemed to slip from Jack’s lips like a waterfall.

Silence again claimed its place in the air. Jack wanted to keep talking to somehow mediate the damage he caused. It was uncertain how he could possibly recover from this.

“Not exactly sure what to say,” is what Ralph ultimately decided to say. Despite the information Ralph just received, he couldn’t seem to think. That was a new feeling for him. His brain seemingly always thought about everything. Now it was like a switch had been flicked. His mind was empty.

Jack just stood there feeling incredibly self conscious, “Please just forget this ever happened.”

“Jack— ”

“No, honestly, this was a huge mistake and I shouldn’t have let my feeli—”

“Jack, it’s fine.” 

“Like hell it is!” Jack felt his breath shake, “How can you say it’s fine? Nothing about any of this is fine for so many reasons!” he felt the waterworks wake once again.

Ralph noticed how much Jack seemed to cry. He didn’t see it as a bad thing. He just made note of it. Ralph took a step forward. “Jack, it’s fine,” he made sure to look Jack in the eyes while he said it, saying the words slow like a lullaby.

Jack hated how he felt looking back into Ralph’s forest green eyes that seemed to go on for miles. He would do anything to be able to get lost in them and never find his way out. “How could you say that?”

Before Ralph could find a response he was interrupted by the sound of the doorknob jiggling and the door opening. A concerned custodian indeed, “What are you boys doing here? Get out of there. Be grateful I don’t tell your headmaster.” 

They did not hesitate to be free of their janitorial prison cell. Jack was just happy to be out of the mess he made. He wondered how long it would take for him to live this down when he heard words that were sure to bait him into more regrettable decisions. 

“Meet me at the church after curfew.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemmi know what you think in the comments! Hope you enjoyed! And stay healthy! Wash your hands and stay inside y'all <3


	3. Church and Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph convinces Jack into meeting. Emotional breakthroughs ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Neither Belk or I can remember if this is fully editing... If it's not I'm sorry.  
> Been doing a lot of reading on Alan Turing (highly recommend) so I'm getting a lot more insight on the treatment of LGBT people around the time of WW2 and shortly after in England (spoiler alert: not well) so if that worms it's way into this story, I hope you don't get too sad...  
> Hope everyone's saying inside! Wash your hands and enjoy!

“What the hell, mate?” 

After the ordeal Ralph was faced with today the last thing he wished to deal with is dealing with his roommate. 

“What the hell what?” the fair-haired boy walked over to his bed and kicked off his shoes while Lucas continued ranting.

“The whole Merridew thing!” Lucas sat up and stared down the other boy.

“The ‘you letting your friend beat me up and shove me in a janitorial closet’ thing?” 

“You don’t know Merridew, Ralph. He’s dangerous,” That almost made Ralph laugh. It seemed that he now knew everything about Jack Merredew. 

“Oh yes, because the homosexuals are going to kidnap our boys and take them on fishing trips,” Ralph rolled his eyes. Out of all the societal taboos, liking the same sex seemed relatively tame. Even before his time on the island, it never seemed like something to fret over. Looking back, that might have been why he thought it was no big deal to kiss Jack by the fire. The part he was more concerned about was the fact that he kissed Jack Merridew. 

“I don’t give a damn ‘bout who he shaggs. He’s a bloody savage,” the word brought to mind images Ralph saw in his nightmare. 

“What do you mean?”

Lucas took a deep breath, “Have you ever here about those kids who were stranded on an island during the war?” 

All the muscles in Ralph’s body tightened at once. “Yeah.” 

“My brother was stranded on that island. Sweetest little thing. Always sickly. His plane was shot down. When they finally found where they crashed, we were informed he died after getting caught in some sort of mass hysteria.” Lucas wiped away a tear. "They never found out what exactly happened to him. None of the kids ever gave a straight story. From what they learned, it wasn’t pretty."

Ralph knew exactly who he was talking about. He remembered the pale face of a boy darkened by the sunshine. Eyes blue as the lagoon. Tangled dark hair. The resemblance between him and his older brother seemed minimal, but now that Ralph was looking for it, he saw the same twinkle in his eyes. Ralph now finally understood why they shared uncomfort in suits. The last time he saw Simon was in his nightmares. Remembering their way he could barely fight back against an army. 

“Don’t trust him. Kids from that island didn’t come back right...”

In an empty church sat a red-haired boy. He wondered to himself why he agreed to be here, when he knew this was a test from God he didn’t have the answers to. When Ralph said they would meet after lights out, Jack's head screamed to run. But when the time came to act he couldn’t resist the pull to find out why he wanted to meet. So he sat in an empty church, only illuminated by the moonlight.

The doors to the chapel opened with slow caution. 

“Took you long enough,” Jack turned away from the stained glass to see Ralph as he entered the building. 

" I didn't expect you to be so early," Ralph shot back. 

"That bashed lip isn't your best look," Jack states, willfully ignoring the previous comment. 

“I’ve had time to think about what you said this morning,” Ralph began. Jack felt infinitely more nervous realizing he couldn’t stall for time with small talk, “I don’t think that kiss meant anything to me,”

Jack was admittedly a tad dejected. "Yeah. Obviously a kiss when we were just kids means nothing to either of us," he averted his gaze, suddenly realizing how interesting his shoe laces were.

"I didn’t say it didn’t mean anyth—" 

"Oh, save it. I don’t want to hear you felt hearing me have an emotional breakdown," Jack snapped, silently cursing himself for getting his hopes up. "I've been doing just fine for myself for the last four years before you somehow found your way back into my life, and I'll be perfectly fine going back to forgetting about everything on that cursed bloody island."

The mention of the island pushed a button in Ralph's brain that activated his fight or flight response. In his panic, he temporarily forgot why he came here in the first place. "How can you just forget? How do you not think about Simon and Piggy every night!" The statements were not questions as much as accusations. 

"How can you not think about the kid with the mulberry birthmark?" It was now Ralph's turn to be taken aback trying to remember. The sniveling face of the little’un. The only part of the memory that was clear was the boy's red stained face. 

"He disappeared."

"After the fire that you started got out of hand. I'm not the only one who's trying to forget Ralph. Don't act like you're better than anyone else on that island because no one left without blood on their hands," Jack’s hands hid in his pocket as he turned to leave the church. 

He should have let him go. Should take a page from his book, learn to forget and move on. But something inside Ralph needed to sort out the meaning of the metaphor. To try to figure out if he was wrong to think he was the hero. Or maybe he just needed to confirm the suspicions his nightmares had been feeding him for years. 

Ralph grabs the cuff of Jack's sleeve. "What?" 

"If that Naval officer never came, would you have killed me," 

Silence followed for what seemed like eternity. "I don't know," 

"Don't lie to me," 

"I don't want to say the truth out loud. I don't want to make it real," Jack’s face was stark white. With his freckles his skin looked like an inverted galaxy. He couldn't meet the other boy's eye, for the way Ralph's hand tightened around his sleeve was more interesting. 

"So that's a yes then," Ralph tried to find a way to continue the dialogue but his mind went blank. 

"I want to say that I just wanted to capture you, but I don't know what I would have done, really. It felt like I was hunting. I don't want to think I would have actually…" His words were almost whispers. His eyes anywhere but away from Ralph's, "Why did you need to ask that?" 

"Do you regret it?" 

"Yes. Of course,"

"And Simon. And Piggy." Voicing those names out loud felt like a sin. 

"Yes… why are you asking?"

“Did you know Lucas was Simon's brother?”

“I didn’t…”

“He doesn’t know what happened to him. He doesn’t know that I was on the island, or that I know what happened or that I…” Ralph trailed off. 

“Hey,” Jack waited till Ralph was looking at him,“You weren’t the only one. I was there too.”

“But I was there, Jack. You know what else? Piggy’s aunt probably doesn’t know what happened to him either. And the mulberry kids probably had family too. We are trying to forget, but they don’t even have the satisfaction of knowing what happened to their loved ones. How is that fair, Jack?” 

Jack took a moment to think. “It’s not. You can’t change what happened. You just need to learn to live with it, I suppose.”

“How?”

“I’ll let you know when I figure it out.” Jack sighed, “well, if that’s everything I think I’ll lea—”

“Did you mean what you were saying this morning?” The statement came out of left field. Ralph seemed to have developed a habit of making Jack on edge with the beginning of every conversation.

"Don't start, Ralph."

"I’m serious.”

“No, I was just a charade when I told my most damning secret to the person with the most reason to hate me. Any more questions? Or will you let me move on?"

"I don't hate you…" Ralph paused. The empty church echoed the words back to him. Hearing the words out loud sounded strange. He had every reason to hate Jack, "hating you takes too much effort."

"Your point?"

"Hating you is too much effort, but trying to forget about you… forgetting about the island seems impossible." Ralph met Jack's eyes yet again. 

"Do you ever get nightmares?" Jack asked innocuously. 

"Every night," 

"I always replay the night when Simon…" the words didn't need to be spoken for understanding. Ralph found mutual understanding strange yet not necessarily negative, "and then everyone turns on me. And you're always in the front leading the charge against me. Whenever I have that dream I wake up sweating… nightmares like that?" 

"Yeah… it drove my father up the wall,"

"Your navy-man father?" Jack mused.

"No, my circus clown father," 

The serious tension seemed to ease enough for Jack to laugh. Ralph examined the way his eyes crinkled into crescent moons. and how his speckled cheeks flush a shade of bubblegum pink. He realizes this is the first time he's seen that smile in years. 

Part of him wanted to kiss him. Ralph was shocked to realize that part of him existed. It's one thing to realize you want to kiss another boy. It's another when that other boy is Jack Merridew. 

Despite the sudden epiphany, Ralph didn’t hesitate when it came to acting on his desire. He reached out and cupped the freckled face. Moving closer he saw how the shade of bubblegum pink darkened into strawberry red. Blue eyes blink and flutter shut. 

“May I?” 

“Shut up.”

This kiss wasn't a messy snog. This was slow and graceful yet ever so exhilarating. Jack’s hands found their way to Ralph's chest. He grabbed hold of Ralph's shirt, trying to hold onto this moment. Though it was over ever too soon. 

He wanted to say something. A smarmy seduction. An insecure whisper. Asking if this meant anything. Words escaped him looking into the endless fields of Ralph’s deep green eyes. As Ralph pulled him back in for another kiss, Jack pushed them back into the rows of pews. Unfortunately that resulted in Ralph losing his balance and falling to the floor, taking Jack down with him; teeth awkwardly bumping against each other.

Jack cursed, “That could have gone better,”

Ralph chuckled “You okay?” 

Physically speaking Jack was okay, but noticed how he was positioned above Ralph. How his shirt came untucked and strands of hair were ever so out of place. How Ralph's arms were wrapped about his waist and for some strange reason his green eyes seemed as tranquil as a forest at night. Mentally speaking, Jack was not ‘okay’. 

Jack shook himself from his trance, “Fine. So w—” whatever was about to leave Jack’s mouth was halted upon him hearing the heavy door of the church open. 

Jack and Ralph exchanged a look of panic at the sound of the intrusion. Ralph thought it best to stay hidden, seeing as two boys, alone, past curfew, in the church, should at minimum lead to detention. Jack decided it best to show himself to the intruder, making Ralph's anxiety significantly skyrocket.

“Father Anthony. What brings you here tonight?” Jack said, sounding more calm than he should be.

“Jack, another late night?” the voice of an older man echoed through the church and back into Ralph's ears.

“Well of course. I need to make up for the year spent being tone deaf,” Ralph remembered Jack’s trained singing voice from the first day assembly. His voice had significantly improved. It would seem Jack spent a long time cultivating his voice. "And you are awake at this hour because?"

"Forgot some papers," Ralph heard footsteps making their way past the pew he was hiding in and up to the podium at the front of the church, "Penny told me you two split up," 

"Can't keep any secrets from you, now, can I?" Jack chuckles. The irony in the statement would have made Ralph laugh in any other situation. 

"Does this have anything to do with that boy you saw a while back?" 

"W-What? Of course not!" Suddenly, Ralph felt ever more so anxious. 

"Penny was a nice girl. What put you off?" The man's voice was gental, not nessisaily judgental. 

"Where do I begin? She never knew when to stop talking and couldn't make a decision to save her life." 

"That's what you said about Saddie." 

"No, Saddie's problem was she always gossiped about her friends." 

"And Margaret?"

"She didn't like any good music."

"Being too picky about the girls in your life isn't the best way to solve your problem, Jack," the way the word “problem” was stated filled Ralph with dread. 

"What if it's not actually a problem…" Jack mumbled. The words, though quite seemed to echo through the room. 

Father Anthony did not ignore those words, "it's not only a crime, but a sin. We have discused this. Do not let yourself fall for the devil whispers in your ear. You are a strong man. You can beat your...affliction.” those words echoed in Ralph's mind. Yes, he knew that kissing boys was wrong, but he never understood why. Why was it a sin to kiss someone you found pretty? Why was it a crime? Ralph didn't want to accept these things as blind facts of life, but then again he didn't like the sound of going against society for the sake of his own desire. He had started thinking about this recently and already started feeling guilty for it. He could only imagine the self-loathing Jack has felt for years, "I understand you've been through a lot in your life, but God is still with you." 

"You're right. I don't know what I was thinking…" Ralph couldn't identify the emotions in Jack’s voice. 

"You've been doing great. No one ever claimed this road to be easy, but it's the right choice," footsteps made their way to the back of the church, "get some sleep, Jack."

"Will do." The door to the church opens and then closes again. "He's gone." 

Ralph stands, "Exhilarating." 

Jack couldn't help but chuckle, "Indeed." 

Then there was an awkward silence. Neither knew what to say. What are you to say after you kiss your enemy and then are faced with the realization that you are dangerously close to a line that can't be uncrossed?

"We shouldn't do this again,'' Jack states as a fact rather then what he truly felt. 

"Why shouldn't we?" 

"You know as well as I do this is messed up for several reasons. If we ignore the fact that we're both men; I almost killed you. How can you move past that so easily?" 

Ralph shrugs, "It's easier to like you then hate you," 

“It can’t be good for your health. I think your natural human instinct to avoid danger is broken.”

“Must have worn it out after running for my life in a burning jungle,” Ralph gives the other boy a half smile, “it’s been a long day Merridew. Go get some rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah can you tell I'm bad at writing slow burns? Hope it at least cheered someone up. Stay safe y'all! Try to do your only English homework! I won't but you should! Tell me what you thought in the comments! Love you ^¬^ <3333


	4. Smoke and Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Denial and regret are a powerful thing Jack learns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

“You always chase me but what are you going to do when you catch me?”

Ralph's repeated nightmares tend to be predictable. They always start and end the same. He runs through a burning forest as he’s being chased by a beast only to be caught on the beach and to be rudely awoken in a fit of sweat and panic. He was like a broken record reliving these events trying to make sense of them all.

This night was different. Tonight he found himself recognizing these events. Over the years he memorized these moments enough to recognize that they were dreams. Suddenly his kid self stopped running and turned to face the terrors of his past. Flames still licked his feet but he couldn’t feel them. The face of his tormentors obscured by paint and hair that escaped begging tied back.

“You aren’t as scary as I remember… What happened?” 

The boy didn’t respond. The scene continued like it normally did. Ralph ran to the beach and was caught, only to awake in his bed with a start. 

The sun had only just made it over the horizon. Ralph had convinced his roommate that he was just an early bird, though in reality he would kill to be able to sleep in an extra hour. He made the best of it though, getting out of bed and heading to the showers.

The feeling of water against his skin woke him up properly. Taking showers always seemed to wash away the ick of his nightmares, allowing him to think clearly. Being clean always brought him clarity. It allowed him to think about the night prior. 

He kissed Jack, and he enjoyed it. Suddenly he felt dirty again. It seemed too easy under the cover of darkness but with a fresh mind the weight of what happened made his knees weak. Another secret to hide from the world.

-

“So how long do you intend to avoid me?”

“What made you think I was avoiding you?” Jack turned to see the blonde boy was following next to him as he made his way to class. It still felt too soon to be talking to Ralph. Though in Jack's mind it would always be too soon to talk to Ralph. 

“I’ve been trying to track you down all day. You are one hard man to pin down,” Ralph’s words were too playful for Jack's comfort, though he doubted Ralph understood that. He glanced around the hall to see if anyone was watching them. He couldn’t see anyone yet this interaction felt like it was being watched on a stage. 

“Do you need anything?” It seemed a safe option to give the cold shoulder rather than to play into whatever game Ralph wanted to play. Then again, last time Jack tried to run away from one of Ralph's games it didn’t end up well for anyone involved. 

“Should we talk about this?” Jack should have expected it but it still made him flinch. 

“There is no this,” he wasn’t wrong but the words felt especially callus as he spoke them. Honestly he was angry Ralph had even hunted him down to talk. It would be much easier to return to his previous habit and pretend waver feeling’s that they have don’t exist.

“You can’t pretend it didn’t happen,” Ralph warned as Jack looked around for an escape.

“Watch me,” Finally Jack found salvation in the form of his roommate, “Roger!” he called before swiftly abandoning the blonde-haired boy in the middle of the hallway. The dark boy turned at the sound of his name.

“Was that Ralph?” for once Roger seemed genuinely interested in something, which honestly scared Jack more than anything. 

Roger kept looking over his shoulder, as they walked away. “Stop that,” Jack snapped.

“He turned into a real dreamboat. How many girls do you think he’s necking?” This statement seems especially out of place coming from Roger's monotone mouth. 

“Roger!” The sick mysteries of Rogers' mind continue to baffle Jack even after all this time. They had known each other years before the island and had stayed together years after the island yet understanding was something they had yet to reach.

“It’s an honest statement,” Rogers matter of fact words only serverved to make Jack wonder if Ralph had any practice before their kiss (it would explain why he was so good at it). “Why was he talking to you?”

“None of your business.” 

The interaction with Ralph stuck in his mind for the rest of the day. He could hardly focus in class. He didn’t think Ralph would be dense enough to attempt to bring up sensitive information within earshot of any passerby. Was he too harsh? Obviously not. Then why did he feel worse then normal? 

Apparently his sulking was a signal for the opposite sex to try interact with him. He didn’t necessarily dislike talking to girls. He just disliked talking to people; something he took from the island. And more often than not, it was girls who tried to talk to him. 

“Jack, do you want to study after class today?” asked the girl sitting next to Jack. She was definitely pretty. Curled blond hair and a figure most would consider desirable. Other boys would feel blessed for her to talk to them. Jack felt indifferent. He resented himself for that.

“Tad busy,” He responded before looking back at his notes that consisted of minimal text and many geometric shapes.

“Really? I heard Penny and you had broken up so I figured your schedule would have some empty space,” Jack wondered why everyone seemed to know about his marital status. He also wondered if this girl was trying to make fun of him or trying to flirt with him. He never could distinguish the two. It could have contributed to him almost killing his childhood love. 

“Choir,” he answered without looking up, attempting to make sense of what little text he had on his page (what class was he even in right now?). 

The girl glanced at his note. “Your loss. Don’t know what you expect to remember from notes like that.

Jack sighed. Even if this girl was trying to flirt, he did need to keep his grade up. It would probably be in his best interest to look at her notes. “are you free after five?”

Later in the day the memory of Jack's previous arrangement was at the back of his mind. After choir practice he had half an hour before five so he hung back to study his solo on his own. Mostly so he had an excuse to be alone in the church. The rows of pews at this time of day were lit beautify with rainbow colours from the stained glass windows. He enjoyed sitting here and letting the sound of turning pages echo through the chapel. 

He found himself losing concentration on his work. He reached into his coat pocket and dug around for his pack of Lucky Strikes only to come up empty. He tried to remember where he put them only to then remember he ran out that morning. Mild frustration set over him as he gathered his things to go to his dorm room to steal one from Roger’s pack. 

He had only barely stepped out the doors of the church before he smelled the tell tale scent of cigarette smoke. It was less he walked and more his addiction pulled him to the source. 

Of course who else would it have been other than Ralph, smoking a cigarette behind the church. He glanced over at Jack with a smoldering moviestar gaze. “Merridew.”

“Martin.”

Ralph grinned. “You learned my last name. I’m flattered.”

Jack contemplated leaving, but he really wanted to smoke. And Ralph pull was almost a stronger vice than nicotine. The strange nostalgia for a worst time.

“Spare a fag?” he asked. Ralph reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a pack of Gold Flakes, “don’t see these around very often,” Jack said as Ralph offered him the pack.

“My father got hooked on them while he was in India. Swears by them. Not my personal favorite though,” Ralph explained as Jack took a cigarette.

“Didn’t expect you to be a cigarette snob,” Jack put the cigarette between his lips and Ralph lit it. This little ritual is something the two had both been well practiced in. Jack took a puff and felt satisfaction fill his lungs. “honestly thought you would be too much of a goodie two shoes to smoke at all.”

“Had to find a way to deal with anxiety somehow,” Ralph took a drag. Jack couldn’t help but stare. Admire the way his skin is tinted pink in the cool autumn air. The way his green eyes glance into the distance. He was like a perfect painting, “are you going to keep eyeing me or are you finally ready to talk about that kiss?”

Jack didn’t appreciate being called out. “What is there to talk about? We kissed. Didn’t mean anything…” He took another drag and waited for a response. 

Ralph took his sweet time thinking, taking another drag and saying his words through smoke, “I think you’re a huge liar, but if that's how you feel I’ll leave you alone,”

“I’m not a liar!”

Ralph tilted his head back and smiled to himself. “Of course you're not. Probably best anyway, given our historie,” 

Jack hated the unearned smug look of Ralph's face. He wanted to yell at him. Defend himself. Claim Ralph didn’t know as much as he thought he did. He would have if he didn’t hear the sound of his own name being called from the front of the church. Ralph put out his cigarette against the church wall, “Goodbye, Merridew,” 

The amount of thought Jack gave Ralph's last statement to him was excessive even for himself. He would think about Ralph regularly but this singular line was enough to send him spiraling for any passersby to witness. The way Ralph said 'goodbye' felt so final. Had he finally given up? Jack envied his defeatist attitude. Even if Ralph was finished trying to pursue him why should Jack care? He was the one who pushed Ralph away so he had no right to be upset that Ralph finally got the message. 

"Jack?" The red-head was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of a concerned study partner. "Everything all right?" 

Jack looked at the blonde girl sitting next to him at a table in the school library. He had learned her name was Abbigale by her writing her name at the top of her paper in perfect cursive. "Fine. Tried."

"Choir took it out of you? Or something else on your mind?" Abbigale looked at him as though she was trying to decipher his entire life story. 

"I'm fine. Just a long day." he wasn't lying. Perhaps understating. It seemed every day he saw Ralph was long and complicated. He destroyed the monotony that Jack took for granted.

"Sorry didn't mean to pry. My mother always said men hate it when a girl prys." she played with her hair seemingly unconsciously. 

"Your mother sounds like she doesn't have the best men in her life. Most would be happy to know someone cares," 

"So do you care to share?"

"I never claimed to be the best man,"

“How poetic,” her words were kind yet her tone suggested a level of detachment. Jack didn’t respond, instead returning to his studies. Or at least attempting to. Whatever knowledge he had retained from class was not willing to come to the forefront of his mind to decipher the sanskrit of Abbigale's notes. While he struggled to read, she leaned in close. "Need some assistance?"   
Jack knew what was about to happen. When he turned his head to look at her, she would be centimeters from his face. She would look at him with a smile that would fade as he leaned in to kiss her. If he didn't she would certainly tell her friends about it and Jack didn't want his business to be spread across the campus. 

So he kissed her. 

It was quick. Jack could tell it was her first because she seemed eager to keep it going. He pulled away and cleared his throat. She smiled. "Would you mind if I get going? I need to meet my friend for dinner."

"Sure. See you in class." 

Abbigale gathered her books and notes. Jack did the same. 

As they parted ways Jack could help but think. Images of blond hair and soft lips filled his head. His mind wandered to thoughts of Ralph during that kiss. His mind was a record   
player and Ralph was the hit that he was forced to listen to on repeat. The nightmare he couldn’t wake up from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Share your thoughts in the comments!


	5. Sprained Egos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Through various misfortunes we get sloppy make-outs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been about 4 months since my last post and I refuse to apologize. I started writing this fic almost exactly a year ago but it still feels no were near finished. Im just glad some of y'all seem to enjoy it. Also Bell is like dying so this chapter was edited by my dyslexic ass and grammerly.

“Nightmare?”

Jack was up straight in bed, perspiration soaking into his sheets. Seconds ago he was on the beach, fire raging behind him and a mob of faceless savages descending upon him. He tried to escape and back away, but he tripped back first into flames, only to realize his tormentors followed him into the endless abyss, “What else is new…”

Roger had gotten out of bed and started getting ready for the day. The dark boy claimed he didn’t dream but Jack interpreted that as code for he didn’t sleep. Somehow Roger always woke up before Jack did yet he was sure that Roger stayed awake longer than he did. It was one of the many mysteries that Jack didn’t care to solve about his roommate. 

“Was Ralph in it?” Roger asked as he slipped on his tie.

“What? No!” Jack staggered, "why do you ask?"

Roger merely shrugged. "Thought I heard you mumble his name," the faint shadow of a smirk appeared on his face, "though your reaction leads me to believe you're lying,"

Jack groaned, "I'm not a liar."

“So did you have fun last night?” Abbigale asked. They had been given some independent study time. Naturally, this leads to minimal study and mild degeneracy. A scene Jack is far too familiar with.

“Yeah,” Jack was not one to make girls feel bad purely for having the misfortune of interacting with him. This white lie was out of courtesy. It made her smile. 

“Really? Well, would you want to faf about a bit when this class ends? Then you can walk me to English,” she pushed her gilded locks behind her ear. Jack was familiar with this code. She wanted to ditch class to snog in the bathroom before showing up to her next class with a pretty boy to show off to her friends. Jack didn’t necessarily mind the idea of being a trophy, since it also meant that people would assume he was attracted to the person showing him off, yet the idea of kissing someone who wasn’t Ralph felt less appealing than it did a few short days ago.

“It probably wouldn't be appropriate for a Prefect to be showing up late to other people’s classes,” he was technically telling the truth. not the truest truth but the only one he could give.

She snickered and touched his arm. “You’re smart. I’m sure you can come up with an excuse.”

-

The world was blue and blurry. The weight of the water surrounding him was a cold hug. Ralph wondered why he enjoyed this feeling so much. It was a strange dimension where he could fly, but he couldn’t breathe. Completely free yet utterly constricted. The faint sound of someone calling out came from the world above, so Ralph left his underwater sanctuary to return to the land.

“How long have you been under there?” he heard the voice before he could see who it came from. He recognized it though as his physical education teacher.

He pushed himself out of the pool, “I don’t keep track. I went under when you said to get out of the pool,” 

His teacher, Mr. Grey, seemed stupefied by the statement. “That was five minutes ago,” That fact shocked Ralph as well. Time seemed to stop when he was underwater. It was his own strange form of meditation. “Were you on your swim team at your old school, Mr. Martin?” 

Ralph gave a sheepish smile, “was it that obvious?”

The sound of the dismissal bell sounded off, “I'll write you a late pass purely because I'm impressed, but you best not make a habit of this,” Mr. Grey let down his professional act and smiled back, “if you want to join our team practice is after class.”

Ralph did need a new distraction. He had been smoking more packs than he'd like to admit and biting his nails bloody. Perhaps a fun extracurricular is what he needed, “I’ll be looking forward to it,” 

Optimism wasn’t a feeling Ralph was used to having much of anymore. But walking through the hallways alone, refreshed from his dip in the pool he couldn’t help but feel uncharacteristically sanguine about this recent development. As the fates would have it at this very moment a certain red-haired boy would be walked down a hallway as well, sporting a pretty blond side piece and some new bruise on his neck. Both boys unaware they were about to cross paths again.

For Ralph seeing a flash of ginger in his peripheral vision was akin to a rabbit seeing the tinge of orange from a fox. It was nature's natural instinct to evade danger. Even if his mind wanted to move past this, in light of recent events avoiding each other would probably be better for both of them. to let dead horses lie and avoid each other. 

Unfortunately for Ralph, his instincts didn’t take into account the “wet floor sign” that guarded the stairwell. 

For a split second, he was flying, and then he was falling, hard. The sound of his body rolling down the steps echoed through the stairwell as well as his colorful curses after he landed uncomfortably at the bottom. Next came the reverberating footsteps of help rushed to him. “You bloody idiot! Can you stand up?” the voice boomed against the walls.

The blond’s body was bruised and banged up in several places but the throbbing pain in his left foot was killer. The way he landed rendered him a cussing mess but in the presence of Jack Merridew he felt compelled to reject the kindness, “I’m fine!”

“Stand up then,” despite his best attempt the strain of trying to get up make him wince, “that’s what I thought. Abbigale, get the nurse!” the blond girl scurry away.

This felt wrong. being unable to leave served to make Ralph’s mind a mess of uneasy unfinished statements, “Jack it’s fine just l-”

“Shut up! Let me do something right for once Ralph!” Ralph wanted to protest but the twinge of fear was stronger than his need to argue. So they sat in silence till help arrived. 

It was just Ralph's luck that he was injured enough to be rendered useless but not enough for serious action beyond aspirin and ice. Just enough pain and humiliation for Jack to help him to the infirmary but not enough for him to pass out and forget this moment even occurred. And it was just his luck that his tormenter wouldn't even leave him to ice his ankle in peace.

“You don’t need to stay here you know,” Ralph groaned.

“Yeah but this is better than running a mile in gym class,” that was logic Ralph couldn’t argue. “How’s the ankle?”

Ralph gave the ‘are you bloody serious’ glare. “Hurts,” 

“Right. Stupid question,” the two sat in silence in the empty infirmary. Apparently, Ralph was the only idiot who got himself injured that day. The nurse was off in her office leaving the boys to relative privacy. 

The only thing more uncomfortable than talking to Jack was sitting in silence with him. The feeling of his cold gaze was an especially unpleasant mix with the feeling of the wet ice pack dripping into his sock. He felt like he was an injured animal being watched by a predator who was conjuring a dastardly plot of attack. At least with him talking he could get an inkling as to the contents of his mind. “So who was your friend?”

“Friend?” 

“Girl, Friend?”

“Oh Abbigale,” Jack unconsciously rubbed his neck, a fact Ralph found amusing, “she’s nobody,”

Ralph took the opportunity to tease, “Nobody ravished your neck for breakfast?” he couldn’t help but look pleased. 

His smile infected Jack, “how bad is it?”

“You look like you were mauled by a tiger.”

Jack gave a half-suppressed laugh, “Nobody is very toothy,” As the conversion flowed Ralph realized how badly he craved a cigarette. He reached into his pack only for Jack to stop him, “nurse won't appreciate that,”

“Well, I can’t exactly walk to the window,”

“I can,” Ralph watched as Jack stood up and made his way to the window cracking it open, 

“That helps me how?” Jack stalked around my cot to draw the privacy drapes.

“Do you trust me?”

“Absolutely not,” 

Jack rolled his eyes, “light the damn thing,”

“No need to be bossy,” 

Ralph lit the damn thing. He felt smoke fill his lungs warmth fill his body, “hold it,” he held his breath. His throat burned. Jack didn’t bother to fill him in on this scheme instead opting to silently and painfully slowly sneak over to the side of his cot and pull the cigarette from Ralph’s lips. “Don’t freak out,” as the seconds ticked by Ralph felt like he was drowning on dry land. He barely noticed Jack inching closer to his face till they were centimeters apart, “okay, go,”

Ralph tried to blowout slowly but the cough was inevitable. His lungs felt used raw after one puff. He almost hit Jack in the forehead. 

Jack walked to the window to breathe, “you okay?”

Ralph caught his breath, “Use that trick on Nobody?” it still felt like he burnt a hole into his esophagus. 

“Just you. Saw it in a film. Wanted to test it out,” Jack stole a puff from Ralph's cigarette. 

“Good concept. Bad execution. Consider hurrying the hell up next time.” there was that playful banter Ralph loathed. It shouldn't feel so natural to talk to Jack Merridew. 

His charm only grown over the years, "wanna try again?"

Ralph nodded. Jack passed the cigarette back to him, let him take a draw, and loomed over him ready. The second attempt was a lot smoother. No coughing or near forehead collisions. Jack walked over to the window. Somehow being with Jack in silence was worse. "So you have a girlfriend," it was less a question and more a statement. 

Jack shook his head, "I guess," Ralph looked unconvinced, "she probably thinks that's what it is." 

"What else do you call necking between classes?" it didn't seem like an activity you would do with just anyone.

"It's just...necking between classes. Does it require a label?" Jack mused while passing the cigarette back.

Ralph considered that "I guess not," he took a drag. Jack leaned over him; they mastered this skill. Ralph noticed Jack closed his eyes. "A label would be easier though." 

Jack pulled away back to the window. As he exhaled he said, "not a fan." Jack looked out the window and Ralph looked at Jack, purely because he was the most interesting thing to look at in the room. He took note of how the natural sunlight made his red hair shine shades of tangerine and marigold. Jack turned back to him. Their eyes meet, “why is your hair wet?” 

Ralph ignored his question. He shifted to sit up straighter, “come here,” he commands before taking a puff. 

Jack walked over to him and leaned over him. Between them was what felt like atomic particles of space that wanted to bond. He was about to do something senseless but it didn't matter as much as what felt right. He tilted his head up ever so slightly, but it was enough. 

Initially, Ralph only intended for it to be a peck but things with Jack rarely go as intended. He ended up grabbing Jack by the tie of his uniform to keep him close, knocking him off balance and causing his hand to fall on either side of him on the cot bed. This was different from their last kiss. Not something sweet in the light of the moon. It was messy and tasted of cigarette smoke. It left them both breathless and panting.

Jack looked down at him. Ralph looked back up into icy eyes that were frozen. Ralph wondered what he looked like at that moment, but he felt higher than any substance could take him. better than the relief he felt after a cigarette. This feeling was primal, “you said you would leave me alone,” Jack's voice sounded hoarse and dry and barely above a whisper. 

“That was before you decided to come to me,” Ralph watched Jack, trying to decipher all his small movements, But he looked like a deer in headlights, “you’re shaking,”

“Why did you have to do that?” Jack’s eyebrows knit together.

“Don’t act like you didn’t want to.” Ralph slowly lowered his hands.

"I didn’t!” Jack found his voice again.

“Don’t lie to me,” Ralph reached up to grab Jack by the arms, “lie to your girlfriend or the other kids or the world, but I know you better than any of them. Tell me the truth.”

“I hate you,” Ralph felt Jack's grip on the sheets below his strain. His sky blue eyes were glassy and about ready to shatter.

“I know,” Ralph moved his hand up to Jack's hair. He ran his fingers through vermillion curls. Jack gave in and laid his head down next to Ralphs, in the crook of his neck. The feeling of warm tears soon followed. Ralph didn’t mind. He took in the scent of his cologne and the heat of his body. It was unexplainable. All the negative emotions he would surely feel when this was over couldn’t reach him. Right now the only thing on his mind was the scent of citrus and rosemary and holding this warm body close. 

Naturally, peaceful moments couldn’t last forever, or even more than five minutes for Ralph. The sound of the infirmary door opening woken them from this blissful dream. Jack left Ralph's arms with a jump. They listened. 

"Jack?" Spoke a sweet female voice. Jack wiped his face and peered out the privacy curtain.

"Abigail. What are you doing here?" He spoke. Ralph tried to look at the girl. All he saw was a flash of pale blonde hair. 

"I heard you were hiding out here," her voice carried an undertone of allure. Her footsteps got closer to them. The sound of wet kisses echoed through the room. It was the bitter awakening Ralph needed to pull him out of his dream state. The shame started to set in. 

"Now's not the best time," Jack's voice was a hush. 

Ralph has a clearer view of the girl. Her good looks were apparent. Symmetrical features and well-groomed, striking red lipstick made apparent against fair skin. you couldn't point out a flaw about her. Ralph couldn't compete with her even if he wanted to. 

She peered between the curtains and Ralph caught her dark chocolate eyes. She smiled, and Ralph couldn't begin to understand how anyone wouldn't jump at the opportunity to call this girl theirs, "you two know each other?" 

The boys looked at each other and they silently agreed, "you could say that," Jack stated, his lips stained rose by the girl's lipstick. 

She didn’t question that. Didn’t ponder the depths of their relationship, not like Ralph was doing. She simply nodded and looked back at Jack. She whispered something into his ear that Ralph couldn't make out. Jack looked at him, then back to her. 

This time Ralph could hear what Jack replayed "Maybe later." 

Ralph sighed, "go ahead," he said. It wasn't right for Jack to stay. He couldn't let Jack choose him over normalcy, regardless of how good it felt. Jack looked more annoyed than relieved. Abigail didn't notice. Now that Ralph was back on earth he could think straight, and what he realized was he would cause Jack more turmoil by entertaining this fantasy of theirs. It was one thing to have these moments like scattered accidents but actively choosing them over others was simply too much.

"Meet me later. The church," Jack said, in a final attempt to prolong this moment. Ralph only nodded, though knowing he didn't have the heart to go. To be alone with Jack again was certain to end in nothing but lust and tragedy. Abigail dragged Jack out of the infirmary. Ralph laid back, staring at the ceiling, wondering how he got into this mess. 

He now laid in a more familiar bed, out of his school clothes and into his sleep clothes. Blond hair dried into stubble waves. The light was still on in their little dorm room but Ralph and Lucas hadn't been talking so much lately. Instead, they had a content silence to listen to, the weight of secrets peppered in. His ankle still hurt but it wasn't as bad as it once was, but the memory of early afternoon still festered in his mind. 

Regrets filled him, and Jack's words echoed in his mind. Why did you have to do that? Ralph wondered this himself. The more he thought about it the more his head hurt. 

"Heading to bed?" Lucas asked. It was the most they'd spoken in days and Ralph wasn't prepared. He hadn't let Lucas in on what he knew and it was yet another secret he was keeping. 

"It's been a long day," he finally decides. 

Lucas nodded, and the silence returned. It gave him more time to think, mostly about Jack, but also a fair bit of soul searching. He actually thought about Lucas. He had been looking at boys all day, especially the one's girls would consider cute, yet for the most part, he didn't find the appeal. Yes, some were nice to look at but the male gender was generally unimpressive. That was not to say he was any more enticed by women. Most were prettier than boys but still, he didn't see anything fundamentally more appealing about one gender than the other. Both were equally unexceptional in his mind. 

This train of thought leads him to realize he's never truly had a crush on anyone, male, female, or otherwise. Nobody has ever held his attention in any way before Jack. He's never wanted to kiss anyone like he had Jack. It was a strange epiphany and he didn't know what to make of it. Much less what made Jack so special to him. Why the smell of his cologne was comforting. Why he thought about his soft lips like they would break the curse he cast.

He was pulled from his thoughts by a knock on the door. Didn't sit up though, and let Lucas answer the door. "What do you want?" The sneer of malice caught his attention. 

"Is Ralph here?" The voice made him sit up. Not only sit up but jump to his feet and rush to the door. Jack stood in the doorway. 

"what are you doing here?" Ralph asked, ignoring the palpable rage radiating off his roommate 

"You never came to church," he stated. He looked to Lucas briefly before back to Ralph, "can we go for a walk?" 

Ralph didn't speak, favoring to slip on some slippers and follow Jack outside. Lucas closed the door as they walked away. 

At first, they were silent, getting distance between them and the door, before Ralph spoke, "how did you find my room?" 

"I have my connections," Jack replayed. That seemed to be the only explanation Ralph would get. "Why didn't you meet me?" 

"I was busy," he was technically not. He ended up stopping by swim practice. He obviously couldn't swim but Mr. Grey was understanding, but after that, his afternoon was wide open yet he refused to give in to his base urges. The thought of Jack crying into his shoulder aided in the endeavor. 

Jack didn't comment, leading to another pause. Eventually, he finally spoke, "your roommate hates me." 

"He thinks you killed his brother," 

"He's not wrong," Ralph didn't dare continue that conversation. fighting about who killed who would surely not end well

They continued walking until Jack grabbed his wrist. He hadn't been paying much attention to his surroundings, much too enthralled by his thoughts, but he didn't recognize this hallway. Before he had a chance to dwell Jack grabbed his wrist and pulled him into a dark room and closed the door. 

A hand crept up his arm till it found his face. Soon soft lips found him in the darkness. His eyes fell closed and his arms wrapped around the cloaked figure. In the dark, it could be anyone, but the only person Ralph wanted it to be was Jack. A small part of his psyche screamed to stop but the rest of him was too far gone to pay attention.

He wasn't the one to pull away. Jack was breathless long before he was, "You're shaking," Ralph could feel the quiver in Jack's breath.

"Don't speak," it seemed more like a plea than a command. 

"What happened with Abigail?" It was less a question and more a statement. 

"She isn't you," the words made Ralph's stomach turn. 

Ralph's arms moved from Jack's back, hands moving to press against his chest, "you know we shouldn't," 

He felt a forehead press against his own, "yep." 

"We're going to regret this later." Jack's hot breath heated his face. 

"Of course," his hand traveled off his face, back down to his waist. 

Ralph could help but smirk at the strange arrangement, "are you going to shut me up?" 

That was it before lips met again. Ralph pulled Jack closer by his shirt, keeping their bodies together. It wasn't long before Jack experimentally started running his hands over Ralph's torso, even getting bold enough to sneak under the hem and touch bare skin. It sent electricity up Ralph's spine. 

It didn't stop. Jack continued exploring under the shirt, over a well-toned abdomen, and tracing the outline of rib bones. Higher and higher until grazing sensitive flesh with his thumb. It made Ralph's breath catch in his throat. Jack took note and repeated the action till Ralph let out a pleased hum. 

"Lights?" Ralph whispered. 

"No," Jack muttered back, "it's better this way."

Ralph wanted to protest but thought better of it, instead moving his hand till he found Jack's face. Warm, most likely flushed skin rested under his fingertips. Slowly he crept lower, from jawline to neck. Jack flinched but he didn't pull away, "show me where she marked you." 

Slowly, and without words, Jack's hand found his. He guided Ralph's hands a few centimeters lower. The skin didn't feel any different, but the memory of a purple bruise flickered into Ralph's mind. 

"Does it hurt?" He asked, fingers ghosting over the spot. 

"Not really. It's tender though," Jack nervously traced patterns over Ralph's bare skin. "She's very domineering in private." 

Ralph huffed a pleased laugh, "you're a lucky man," he smiled to himself and leaned in, leaving soft kisses at the base of Jack's neck, just below his hand. The action made him tense up, before relaxing again. Ralph slowly moved up, still kissing with barely any pressure until he found where Jack's dark mark should be. His kisses got risque, lightly sucking on the still tender flesh. He felt Jack swallow and his breath quicken. 

"Careful," he warned. 

"It's already so dark. I don't think anyone will notice," Ralph spoke against skin. To cement his point, he nipped the mark, making Jack moan, before kissing it better. 

"Arse," Jack's voice was breathy. Ralph moved back up to kiss his lips, Jack kissed back, with more force. He pushed Ralph back till his back found a wall. He felt his heart rate quicken, and so did Jack, "nervous?" 

"No," he lied. Though who wouldn't be nervous in this situation. 

Jack slowed down, kisses becoming longer but equally excited. He guided Ralph lower till they were sitting against the wall, then laying on the floor. Ralph didn't know how they got there but he didn't mind. He didn't mind Jack taking his hand and pinning them above his head. The only thing he could think about was his heart blaring in his ears and the way Jack's weight felt on top of him. 

The mistake came when Jack pulled away for just a moment and he opened his eyes. The lights weren't on but in this position, there was the crack of light from under the door. It was only enough to outline the fact that there was in fact someone on top of him but it was enough to make his brain malfunction. 

For a moment he was back there. Back in the sand and blue sky above him, stained red by the demon above him. His body acted before his mind could think and he pushed the figure off of him. Hard enough that he heard Jack crash into something that sounded like Cardboard. 

"Fucking hell! You could have just said stop!" Jack whined. 

Ralph sat up, short of breath, and still panicked, "sorry!" Was all he managed. 

Jack took that as a cue to stand up and turn the lights on. They seemed to be shacked up in a storage closet. Mostly boxes but there did seem to be some spare blankets there too. He looked around to avoid Jack's gaze but he felt it. 

"Did I do something?" Jack asked. 

"No," the panic had subsided leaving room for mortification, "I just freaked out." 

Jack took that for what it was. Ralph still wouldn't look at him but he heard him sit down in front of him, "you know I'll stop if you want me to." 

"I panicked," he didn't want to explain past that. 

Jack didn't push, "Just keep it in mind next time." 

Ralph couldn't help but laugh "next time?" The idea this would become a regular pastime was amusing. Giving the pair's past but also their present, Implying they had any kind of future was beyond strange. And yet, here he was, sitting in a room with the boy who haunted him all these years. Today it was a simple burst of panic but what would next time bring?

Jack took a while before he said anything, "this was a bad idea," there was no panic or retrospect in his words. They had both agreed beforehand it was in either of their best interests. Still, his words lingered. It was more than a primordial being telling them not to do this. More than church or state. It was instinct. Ralph didn't need to verbalize it for Jack to understand. And yet it was also instinct that seemed to bring them together. 

They went quiet again. Jack pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit two, passing one to Ralph. He took it and inhaled, feeling pent up stress escape him with his exhale, "Marlboro?" 

"Does it live up to your standards?" Jack teased.

Ralph finally turned to him, "didn't take you for a Marlboro man." 

"I didn't take you for a gold flake snob." Jack shot back, "there's more to us than our worst bits." 

They took too comfortable silence after that. To call their dynamic anything but bizarre would be disillusionment. Two liars, who have no business being back in each other's lives, sharing a cigarette alone in a storage closet after a desperate display of something that could hardly be called affection. Ralph was beginning to understand why Jack hated labels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I found out the "Marlboro Man" figure didn't become a thing untill 1954 and this story takes place roughly in 1949-1950 BUT I refuse to change it. So either in this universe they found out cigarettes cause cancer a few years earlier causing women to smoke less cigarettes leading Marlboro to aggressively target to men OR Ralph is just really cute with his alliteration and Jack like smoking women's cigarettes. yes Marlboro was originally a women's cigarette @ the pill popping junky in my sophomore creative writing class. This edit was brought to you by myself a week after originally posting this chapter.
> 
> So my posting schedule will continue to be "whenever I have motivation" but y'all could probably guess that. I do get very inspired by comments though so feel free to leave some. I'm gonna return to my cave. See y'all im 2021 probably.

**Author's Note:**

> I will give an A+ to anyone who googles the title of this fic and analyze it in the comments below. It was low-key one of the best parts of reading this book for the first time. Anyway feel free to leave some criticism in the comments. I need something to read while I'm stuck at home and away from my creative writing class. Hope you enjoyed ^¬^


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